Up until now, my celebrity crushes have been pretty normal. Jack Nicholson. Bruce Springsteen. Christian Bale (as Laurie in Little Women). Those are all understandable and perfectly ordinary. In fact, you might even think I have normal tastes in dudes.
But you’d be very, very mistaken.
I’ve always had crushes on slightly offbeat celebrities. In high school (when I was seventeen), I had pictures of Zach Galifianakis, Moby, and Bruce Campbell hanging in my locker. You guys should know by now that I’ve always been this way.
So it should come as no surprise that I totally have a crush on Jeff Goldblum. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I do feel a little bit uncomfortable about this one, because one of my high school friends looked like Jeff Goldblum. Well, actually he just said he looked like Jeff Goldblum, which is a lot different than actually looking like Jeff Goldblum.
This is all to say that I totally have a crush on Jeff Goldblum and I don’t care who knows it.
For starters, he could totally win any staring contest.
And he looks amazing with luscious locks.
I think we all know and love him from Jurassic Park.
He did NOT meet a good end in that film, but he’ll live on forever in my heart (and in this blog post). Update: my friend Chad helpfully reminded me that Jeff Goldblum does not die in Jurassic Park. He doesn’t even die in Jurassic Park 2. What was I thinking? Why would I wish death on Jeff Goldblum? My humblest apologies, to all of you and especially Jeff Goldblum.
Most importantly, Jeff was in the movie Vibes with one of my favorite human beings, Cyndi Lauper. Incredibly enough, I’ve never seen this movie, although I do love the song Hole In My Heart, which is apparently used in the film. I love any man who can hold his own next to a force of nature like Cyndi.
You know what? We need another picture from Vibes.
The more I looked at pictures of Jeff Goldblum (and I can assure you, I looked at WAY more pictures of Jeff Goldblum than anyone needs to), the more confused I got. I’d always assumed Jeff G. was one of my weirder crushes. You know, the kind not everyone would agree with. But I started thinking…is he actually, you know, conventionally attractive?
My world was turned upside down. But then I saw this picture, and I was just like, what is this, even? What is that scarf? What is that look?
Maybe he IS conventionally attractive, but he’s also super weird. That’s just part of the Jeff Goldblum appeal.