Guys! Today we’re lucky enough to have a guest post from one of my favorite ladies, Jayne! She’s a great writer and one of the most hilarious people I know. Enjoy her post, leave some comments, and check out her blog. I only wish she blogged every day.
I recently attended a dinner party with some good friends of mine from high school. Heather is getting married this September to her high school sweetheart and I am absolutely thrilled for her. After dinner we retired to the living room, to which I was delighted to find bridal magazines on the coffee table. I don’t know a single female who doesn’t love flipping through a bridal magazine. The glamorous dresses, expensive proposals for table design, elaborate honeymoon ideas: all seem so fascinating! As I reached for the latest issue, Brian (the groom-to-be) threw a bridal magazine from 1954 at me. The cover screamed tips for being the best hostess, pleasing your man, and how to raise children properly. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TIPS ON THAT?
Flipping through the magazine I stumbled across helpful tips such as:
• Keep a mirror, powder and lipstick handy in the kitchen so you always look your best- EVEN WHEN COOKING!
About halfway through I found this gem. I’m not saying I’m a feminist (I’M A HUGE FEMINIST) but I found this article laughable. I cut straight to the best part of the article. I now present the Masculine Bill of Rights, with my added man commentary.
Masculine Bill of Rights
There is a long list of things men feel they have a right to have in their own homes. Here are some of the chief ones:
A man has a right to man-sized chairs placed where the man of the house finds it most convenient to use them. And to practical covers for chairs, sofas and beds: leather, dark upholstery or a washable fabric. He should never have to feel self-conscious about siting down on a chair or even a bed if he wants to.
“A WOMAN-sized chair for a man? And covered in pink lace? Are you mad, woman?”
A man has a right to well-built furniture, even if there are not so many pieces of it. He hates flimsy pieces that fall apart easily. He feels that the investment was bad, that he is going to have to go to a lot of trouble to do the mending.
“You insisted on buying this kindling and now you want me to fix it? Get in the kitchen and cook me a pot roast!”
A man has a right to expect to find a book or magazine he was reading near his chair where he left it rather than put away among a whole shelf full of books or lost among other magazines.
“I don’t have time to look through your Jane Austen and Good Housekeeping! Where is my damn book on how to build model planes?”
A man has a right to use the bathroom without walking through a maze of drying stockings and brassieres. He has a right to space in the bathroom cabinet for his toilet things and personal medicines unmixed with bobby pins, face powder or hair curlers.
“It’s like walking into a damn spiderweb in here! And I can’t tell my toothbrush from a tube of mascara! Get in the kitchen and cook me a pot roast!”
A man has a right to find his mail and telephone messages in a specific place every day.
“Did Jensen call from the office? DID JENSEN CALL FROM THE OFFICE?”
A man has a right to find his tools where they belong and in good condition. If you fancy yourself a master carpenter, get a set of tools of your own.
“Oh, so you want to build a birdhouse? THEN BUY YOUR OWN DAMN TOOLS! I don’t need you getting glitter and lipstick all over my Craftsman!”
A man has a right to understand the paintings which hang in his own house. If you are a Picasso fan and he has never gotten beyond the Angelus, expose him to modern paintings, until he shares some of your enthusiasm.
“I don’t… I don’t understand this painting. This gypsy is sleeping? Next to a lion? I just don’t get it!”
A man has a right to help choose the colors that are used in his home. Even a firm masculine conviction that only blue and brown are safe can be worked into some fetching color schemes with one of the thousand tricks to be with color (see PLANNING COLOR SCHEMES).
“Firm masculine conviction is the name of my fist and if you so much as think about adding any other color than brown or blue to this den then you will get to meet firm masculine conviction!”
A man has a right to some luxury of his own kind. Such as big spongy bath towels, a good light for reading in bed if that is what he likes, a convenient place for keeping liquor and mixing drinks.
“Anything other than Egyptian cotton and I will throw this bourbon right in your face! Get in the kitchen and cook me a pot roast!”
I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I did. Men in the ‘50s sound like demanding dicks. Men do NOT have the right to anything in the household besides… besides… hmmm… not sure what men should have a right to. Thoughts?
Let’s all wish Kerry a happy wedding day and a wonderful marriage to H! I’m excited to be a part of their wedding day. Fingers crossed that H doesn’t mind walking through Kerry’s maze of brassieres in the bathroom.
Image via Etsy