A Few Embarrassing Facts About Me

very-cool
As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes I get emails from cool ladies who want to ask me questions about writing or work or whatever. I love this and I’m always happy to share what I know, but sometimes I feel sort of guilty. There’s always the assumption in those emails that I have my shit together, when in reality…well, I don’t.

Can I tell you guys something? Because we’re all friends here? I am not a cool person. I have never been and, barring some sort of Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle situation, will never be cool. Because it’s Friday and I’m feeling particularly honest, here are ten embarrassing or sometimes just odd facts about me. None of these facts make me look cool. All of them will make you think I’m even weirder than you already do…and there’s a good chance you already thought I was pretty weird. Okay, let’s get to it!

1. I won first place in not one, not two, but three spelling bees in elementary school. Obviously, I was a big nerd.
2. One of my teachers made fun of me for always having a book with me in 7th grade. One of my teachers made fun of me for reading too much!
3. Once H. and I went to a Cleveland Indians game and the woman checking purses made fun of me for bringing a book. “Do you think you’re going to get bored?” she asked. Yes. I did think that.
4. I only really have two ex-boyfriends, and both of them pierced their own nipples…after we broke up.
5. One of those exes almost got into a physical fight in a Wal-Mart parking lot one night when I was with him. He also liked to drag race. Should I write an entire post about this ex? He was a doozy.
6. I have a terrible habit of listening to one song on repeat until everyone around me hates me and I hate the song. I think Alex almost killed me during the Float On incident of 2004.
7. I still have permanent retainers on my top and bottom teeth. I don’t want to get them removed because I’m afraid my teeth will go back to being crooked. Also I don’t really want to go to the orthodontist’s again because his gloves smell like salami.
8. I’m almost incapable of buying anything. I hate shopping and I hate spending money. I routinely wear one pair of shoes or boots until they literally get holes in them. I get so miserable, frustrated, and unhappy on shopping trips that sometimes I’m reduced to tears.
9. My high school locker was covered in pictures of Ben Folds, Zach Galifianakis, Dave Grohl, Bruce Campbell, Moby, and the lead singer from Third Eye Blind. You know, your typical high school crushes.
10. I’m, like, romcom heroine levels of klutzy. My hand-eye coordination and depth perception are terrible. The worst example of this was the time I knocked over a windchime display at a department store. It was exactly as awful as it sounds.

GUYS, DO YOU STILL LIKE ME? Or are you just filled with secondhand embarrassment because I knocked over a windchime display (seriously, I’m still cringing)? Feel free to leave your weird, embarrassing facts in the comments. We can all feel dumb together. Happy weekend!

Image via Natalie Dee

10 Responses to “A Few Embarrassing Facts About Me”

  1. Jordan

    Wow, windchimes? That is very romcom of you. When I was in third grade, I insisted on taking a stuffed cat everywhere. Not like a security blanket, just like, we were friends I guess? I’m not sure if it’s more or less embarrassing that I only recently (like, a week ago) realized that was pretty weird for a kid that age. Apparently I don’t embarrass easily.

    Reply
  2. Kelly

    I can empathize with a lot of your life experiences… Particularly in relation to shopping. I hate it. When I enter a mall (typically once a year) I break out in hives. But when I do break down and buy a new purse, one of the requirements is that it is large enough to hold a book :)

    Reply
  3. Aubrey

    Ha ha, of course you’re still liked. Everybody has not-so-suave moments. I tried to run a sheet of labels through the copier at work once. They got all stuck all over inside it and gummed up the gizmos. The guy who came to fix it asked what happened. No way was I copping to something that was (in retrospect) incredibly dumb so I told him I just found it like that when I came back from lunch. Also, I was the maid of honor at my sister’s wedding. We took pictures outside. There was a strong wind. Let’s just say it was a really, really good day to be wearing full coverage undergarments.

    Reply
  4. Cat

    Just don’t be the mom who takes a book to her kid’s recitals…..and then actually reads during them. Said kid might always harbor some resentment over this.

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  5. Mandy

    WHY ARE WE THE SAME PERSON?!?! And I’m really glad I’m not the only one with permanent retainers in her twenties. It’s not doing any harm? Why would I pay to have it taken out??

    Reply
  6. Erin

    I still have my bottom retainer in and I feel the same way. Every once in a while I wonder, should I just keep it in until I die? Or would that be bad? So far so good.

    Reply
  7. Jayne

    NUMBER 7- YES! Still have mine. Didn’t we have the same orthodontist?? SALAMI HANDS.

    And yes. Write a blog about your ex! I need to know more.

    Reply

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