As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes I get emails from cool ladies who want to ask me questions about writing or work or whatever. I love this and I’m always happy to share what I know, but sometimes I feel sort of guilty. There’s always the assumption in those emails that I have my shit together, when in reality…well, I don’t.
Can I tell you guys something? Because we’re all friends here? I am not a cool person. I have never been and, barring some sort of Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle situation, will never be cool. Because it’s Friday and I’m feeling particularly honest, here are ten embarrassing or sometimes just odd facts about me. None of these facts make me look cool. All of them will make you think I’m even weirder than you already do…and there’s a good chance you already thought I was pretty weird. Okay, let’s get to it!
1. I won first place in not one, not two, but three spelling bees in elementary school. Obviously, I was a big nerd.
2. One of my teachers made fun of me for always having a book with me in 7th grade. One of my teachers made fun of me for reading too much!
3. Once H. and I went to a Cleveland Indians game and the woman checking purses made fun of me for bringing a book. “Do you think you’re going to get bored?” she asked. Yes. I did think that.
4. I only really have two ex-boyfriends, and both of them pierced their own nipples…after we broke up.
5. One of those exes almost got into a physical fight in a Wal-Mart parking lot one night when I was with him. He also liked to drag race. Should I write an entire post about this ex? He was a doozy.
6. I have a terrible habit of listening to one song on repeat until everyone around me hates me and I hate the song. I think Alex almost killed me during the Float On incident of 2004.
7. I still have permanent retainers on my top and bottom teeth. I don’t want to get them removed because I’m afraid my teeth will go back to being crooked. Also I don’t really want to go to the orthodontist’s again because his gloves smell like salami.
8. I’m almost incapable of buying anything. I hate shopping and I hate spending money. I routinely wear one pair of shoes or boots until they literally get holes in them. I get so miserable, frustrated, and unhappy on shopping trips that sometimes I’m reduced to tears.
9. My high school locker was covered in pictures of Ben Folds, Zach Galifianakis, Dave Grohl, Bruce Campbell, Moby, and the lead singer from Third Eye Blind. You know, your typical high school crushes.
10. I’m, like, romcom heroine levels of klutzy. My hand-eye coordination and depth perception are terrible. The worst example of this was the time I knocked over a windchime display at a department store. It was exactly as awful as it sounds.
GUYS, DO YOU STILL LIKE ME? Or are you just filled with secondhand embarrassment because I knocked over a windchime display (seriously, I’m still cringing)? Feel free to leave your weird, embarrassing facts in the comments. We can all feel dumb together. Happy weekend!
Image via Natalie Dee