Screw You, J. Crew

I just spent 45 minutes taking in a boxy thrift store denim shirt so that I could recreate a shirt I saw at J. Crew.

This is the face of a woman who just saved herself $90. Also this is the first post of my new blog called “Screw You, J. Crew,” wherein I just recreate their outfits out of stuff I find for almost free. Seriously, it’s a denim shirt. Give me a break.

Places I’ve Fallen Asleep

At my computer

Standing up at The Knitting Factory while a band was playing

In a movie theatre

At my desk, pen in hand

On many, many sofas

On the floor while working out

On my parents’ living room floor

On my boyfriend’s office floor

Occasionally in a bed, if I can make it to one before passing out


A few nights ago, I spent the night at my parents’ house. The next morning, I got this text from my mom while I was at work:

“I just thought it was weird that you were laying upside down on your bed fully clothed huddled under a comforter with all the lights on at midnight. I wish you would have taken some cupcakes.”

So that’s what life is like for me lately. I fell asleep upside down, AND I forgot to take cupcakes.

Image via Daily Mail

Peanut Butter Cheerios

I saw a commercial for Peanut Butter Cheerios on Saturday and I bought a box on Sunday. That’s because I have my PRIORITIES straight. This post was originally intended to tell you how awful the slogan is (“More Grains, Less You”…I’m sorry, what? Am I eating a Thinner pie? Is there a gypsy curse?) but how it doesn’t matter because the product sells itself.

Then I found this video, which I cannot recommend highly enough. This guy is really good at reviewing Cheerios, and he definitely knows his peanut butter cereals. Also, this is probably the only review of Peanut Butter Cheerios that makes a Spike Lee reference. Actually, this is probably the only review of Peanut Butter Cheerios.

Please, Someone Give Lena Dunham Some Pants

This weekend, I watched Tiny Furniture, a movie I’d been wanting to see for a long time. I didn’t really like it, which isn’t the point. I think Lena Dunham is very funny and talented and interesting, and I’m not saying it’s a bad movie. It’s just, I felt like Aura was a friend I liked but who was making really terrible decisions repeatedly, and I could say things like, “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t have unprotected sex in a pipe” all I wanted, but it wasn’t going to stop her from having unprotected sex in a pipe, you know? You know.

So anyway, Lena Dunham’s show Girls is coming out soon, and I’m pretending it even matters that I’m kind of excited about it. I don’t even have television, let alone HBO. I also don’t understand how to download things (imagine me, swatting at my computer feebly, like a monkey trying to understand the glowing box). It looks funny, but the bigger point is that I’m concerned about Lena Dunham. Not even about her character’s unprotected pipe sex this time.

Lena Dunham, where are your pants? Aura spent the majority of Tiny Furniture sans pants, to which I say whatever. She is a woman in her (mother’s) own home. She is free to not wear pants, I guess. She was without pants so much that it started to seem strange, but I figured it was just a character choice Lena Dunham made. Then I watched the trailer for Girls, and guess who isn’t wearing pants AGAIN? LENA DUNHAM! It’s starting to seem less like a character choice and more just like a personal preference Lena Dunham has for pantsless living.
No pants, like usual

I understand this, in theory. I wear skirts almost every day because I find tights more comfortable than jeans, and the second I get home I change into yoga pants. But I am covering the lower half of my body, which is an important thing for me. I guess what I’m asking is: Is it normal to just not wear pants whenever possible? Because here’s my thing…the appeal of wearing no pants is comfort, right? But how am I supposed to feel comfortable knowing that someone could show up to my apartment at any moment, and there I would be, no pants? There’s a scene in Tiny Furniture where Lena Dunham has to wrap a blanket around her body to answer the door because she isn’t wearing pants. I don’t want to wrap a blanket around my body! I want to be ready to greet the world. Also, what if there’s a fire? Every second counts. You don’t have time to be grabbing pants. Also again, I don’t have blinds up in my kitchen yet, and if you’re walking by just the right way you can kind of see into the living room and, you know what, forget it. You don’t need a detailed description of my place.

Maybe this is just a personal quirk of mine, because I’m going to be honest with you, I like to do my hair and makeup all the time. Even when I’m staying at home and no one is going to see me. Judge away! Call me a vain, naracissistic asshole! I literally cannot concentrate on anything I’m doing if I know that my blow dried, non-straightened hair is looking like this:

And you know what? Last week I was sick, and everyone at work kept telling me how terrible I looked and that I should go home. And the thing was, I knew I didn’t look bad because I was sick. I just didn’t wear makeup all week. That’s how bad it is, you guys. I need to be wearing makeup all the time. I just…I just need to be kind of put together. Just a little bit. I need to be wearing pants.

So, frankly, Lena Dunham, I don’t understand you and your pantsless ways. Not one bit.