John Waters Has So Many Books

Rookie visited John Waters. There are pictures of the inside of his home. I may have gasped, then clicked greedily through the pictures like I was a starving person who just happened to come across a delicious pizza.

For some reason I imagined he would have a more typical fancy-director home, which doesn’t even make sense, because I read Role Models and he described his decorating style in detail. This is his inspiration board. Oprah would love this. Okay, Oprah would love the intent behind this.

I just love John Waters so much, and I’ve barely seen any of his movies. I respect his singular vision. He’s not trying to be anybody else, he’s just trying to be the best John Waters. And there’s really no one else like him. Seriously, go look at all the pictures of his home, and then spend the rest of the evening looking at Rookie. You will fall in love!

Reactions From My Male Co-Workers Regarding My Hair Cut

“That looks nice, actually.”

“It makes you look even younger than you are!”

“I should get that hair cut so I’ll look younger. I’ll look just like a little Dutch boy. Not that you look like a little Dutch boy. I’m just gonna stop talking now. This is just like a man. I try to say something nice and all this stupid shit comes out.”

After dramatically sitting down and exhaling: “When did this happen?”

Tells me a long story about how he doesn’t ever comment on his wife’s haircuts after he once insulted an asymmetrical cut she got at J.C. Penney’s, and even though his wife is like, “You could lie,” he’s like, “No, I can’t.”

Important Channing News

If the search terms for my blog are to be believed, Channing Tatum was not wearing his wedding ring on SNL this weekend. Seriously, A LOT of people are searching for this. Or just one desperate person. What a Tatum conundrum! Do you think his (probably huge) wedding ring would have just been a distraction when he was in sketches? OR IS SOMETHING MORE SINSISTER AFOOT? Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. And by “get to the bottom of this” I mean “stop caring about why Channing Tatum wasn’t wearing his wedding ring.”

Things That Have Scared Me In My Apartment

Pair of boots (thought they were an animal)

Tote bag (thought it was a person)

Neighbor walking by the window (thought he saw me dancing)

Boyfriend showing up outside my door (thought he was a murderer)

Mailman (thought he was a murderer)

Person doing laundry in the basement (thought he/she was a murderer doing laundry)

Unidentified high pitched noise outside (thought it was someone screaming while being murdered)

Lights going out suddenly (thought it was a murderer setting the scene, so he/she could murder me)

The thought that I might never achieve any creative success because I’m paralyzed by fear (or because I’m murdered)


So I guess the super bowl is happening now. As you could probably guess, I am a huge football fan. The guys in the outfits throwing the ball on the field…totally into it. My friends are always like, “Kerry, we get it, you love football, but can we please talk about something else now?” But with me, it’s all football, all the time. Tim Tebow. Peyton Manning. Another Manning. Drew Brees. Tim Riggins. Those are all names of football players, and only one of them is from Friday Night Lights. Try not to be too impressed. Yard lines. Fumble. Field goal. Penn State Sex Scandal. Rape culture. That is just some of the football terminology I’m intimately acquainted with. I’m sorry for using so many insider terms; I realize this is probably over your head.
Naturally, since I’m such a huge football fan, I wrote this article in my hometown newspaper all about football. “But this is actually more about the marching band and Friday Night Lights,” you might say. Shut up. Football.