Recently, I dreamed that Brad Pitt disguised himself as my mailman so he could personally deliver the very important news that Florence (of the Machine) had been hit by a car. Maybe dream me was really good friends with her. I don’t know. Either way, as soon as I woke up I googled her to make sure she was still alive.
Also, it was just really fun to see Brad Pitt dressed up like a mailman.
Rookie visited John Waters. There are pictures of the inside of his home. I may have gasped, then clicked greedily through the pictures like I was a starving person who just happened to come across a delicious pizza.
For some reason I imagined he would have a more typical fancy-director home, which doesn’t even make sense, because I read Role Models and he described his decorating style in detail. This is his inspiration board. Oprah would love this. Okay, Oprah would love the intent behind this.
I just love John Waters so much, and I’ve barely seen any of his movies. I respect his singular vision. He’s not trying to be anybody else, he’s just trying to be the best John Waters. And there’s really no one else like him. Seriously, go look at all the pictures of his home, and then spend the rest of the evening looking at Rookie. You will fall in love!
“That looks nice, actually.”
“It makes you look even younger than you are!”
“I should get that hair cut so I’ll look younger. I’ll look just like a little Dutch boy. Not that you look like a little Dutch boy. I’m just gonna stop talking now. This is just like a man. I try to say something nice and all this stupid shit comes out.”
After dramatically sitting down and exhaling: “When did this happen?”
Tells me a long story about how he doesn’t ever comment on his wife’s haircuts after he once insulted an asymmetrical cut she got at J.C. Penney’s, and even though his wife is like, “You could lie,” he’s like, “No, I can’t.”
If the search terms for my blog are to be believed, Channing Tatum was not wearing his wedding ring on SNL this weekend. Seriously, A LOT of people are searching for this. Or just one desperate person. What a Tatum conundrum! Do you think his (probably huge) wedding ring would have just been a distraction when he was in sketches? OR IS SOMETHING MORE SINSISTER AFOOT? Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. And by “get to the bottom of this” I mean “stop caring about why Channing Tatum wasn’t wearing his wedding ring.”
Pair of boots (thought they were an animal)
Tote bag (thought it was a person)
Neighbor walking by the window (thought he saw me dancing)
Boyfriend showing up outside my door (thought he was a murderer)
Mailman (thought he was a murderer)
Person doing laundry in the basement (thought he/she was a murderer doing laundry)
Unidentified high pitched noise outside (thought it was someone screaming while being murdered)
Lights going out suddenly (thought it was a murderer setting the scene, so he/she could murder me)
The thought that I might never achieve any creative success because I’m paralyzed by fear (or because I’m murdered)