When my mom and I were out Christmas shopping a few weeks ago, she bought me a book that was on the sale table at Barnes and Noble. “Forget you saw this,” she said to me, which is what she always says when she buys me a present while I’m, um, present. The thing is, I actually did forget what book she bought me, like she used that special Men In Black memory-erasing flashlight or whatever that was (I haven’t seen that movie since junior high). Until yesterday, when she asked, “Hey, who did I buy that book with the bird on the cover for? With a Japanese sounding name?”
Hey, who feels like crying? I don’t know why I saved all the depressing Christmas songs for the few days before Christmas. This is my favorite Joni Mitchell song, as well as one of my all-time favorite sad songs. For the record, the Barry Manilow version of this song is not very good (what a surprise!). Also, I would recommend not reading the youtube comments on this one. You guys, I’m sorry, I’ll post something cheerful soon, I promise!
Okay, guys, listen: I love Shit Girls Say. Obviously. For some reason that I can’t explain, there is nothing in the world funnier to me than when a man puts on a wig, does half-assed, non-glamorous drag and does a very realistic impression of a specific type of woman. That’s why I love John Roberts so much. I can’t explain why I find that funny any more than I can explain why I love pizza so much or why this one Pink song always makes me cry when I hear it in an Old Navy. It’s just magic.
While I do say a lot of those things, I really identify far more with Shit Gay Guys Say:
Probably that is my ideal friend, specifically for the sentence, “I rented Stepmom and Lily Tomlin’s one woman show!” To quote the gay best friend of this sorority girl who I used to live next to in my sophomore year dorm, if only.
Lines in that video I’ve said/often say/will say:
“I don’t even subscribe to Entertainment Weekly, they just keep sending it!”
“Have you seen my Niecy Nash impression?”
“Heartburn is on Netflix streaming?” (this was met with nothing but silence from my boyfriend, by the way)
I’m pretty aware of which fashion trends I can pull off and which I can’t. That being said, I’m certainly not immune to lusting after things I’m 99% sure would look terrible on me. Right now, for reasons I can’t explain, I’m fixated on a leopard print coat. Actually, I can explain the reasons. They’re called these pictures.
It’s like an automatic way to be the baddest bitch in the room. My boyfriend, for the record, would hate this look, but show me a straight man who likes leopard print and you’ll be showing me a mirage because they don’t exist.
Modcloth is selling a nice looking, reasonably affordable leopard coat that, who knows, I might cough up the shekels to buy after the holidays. With my black feather hat, I think I might be edging into “weird old lady” territory.
True story: Blue Christmas is one of my favorite Christmas songs. Is it the most depressing Christmas song? Of course it is. I can’t help it. Also good: the Elvis version.