An Open Letter to Drake


Dear Drake,

I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve been listening pretty intently to Thank Me Later, and judging by your lyrics, I think we’d be good together.

I have a couple of diplomas, which I know you’re into. I’m not a homeowner, but honestly, in this economy home ownership is not the symbol of success it once was, so I feel like we can work past that together. I have enough money to loan you “a little something extra,” as long as we’re referring to a little something extra. I mean, I can spot you once in awhile, but let’s not get too crazy.

It was nice of you to say “this is not to get confused, this one’s for you” at the beginning of “Best I Ever Had.” Sure, I suspected, but it was good to know for sure. I find it sweet that you think I look best in “sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on.” How could I take that wrong? I feel the need to correct you, though: these are yoga pants. I don’t wear sweat pants, Drake. You know this.

While other women might be concerned about your feelings for Nicki Minaj (“I love Nicki Minaj, I told her, I’d admit it/ I hope one day we get married, just to say we f***ing did it”), I understand. She is pretty magnificent, so I can’t blame you. It’s not like I’m going to stand in the way, because I want what’s best for you, Drake! And you look pretty happy here.

Drake, I know you’ve had some wild times. I get that. You’ve come a long way from wheelchair-bound basketball sensation Jimmy on Degrassi: The Next Generation. What makes me think you’re ready to settle down (with me) is this quote from the New York Times about your relationship with Rhianna:

“You know what she was doing to me? She was doing exactly what I’ve done to so many women throughout my life, which is show them quality time, then disappear. I was like, wow, this feels terrible.”

That was your Tootsie moment. You were Dustin Hoffman/Tootsie, and Rhianna was your sexist boss, and your love interest Jessica Lange, and also your Tootsie costume. I don’t know, the metaphor’s not the greatest, but the point is this: I feel like you’ve realized how to treat a lady.

You want to know how I really know we belong together? This picture:

I’m always here when you need me, Drake.
XOXO,
Kerry

Real or Fake: Pride and Prejudice Sequels/Retellings

Can you tell the difference between a real title and a title we made up?*

1. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
2. Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife
3. Decidedly Darcy
4. Mr. Darcy Takes a Husband
5. Pride & Prejudice: Wild and Wanton Edition
6. Mr. Darcy and the Curse of Skeleton Cave
7. Pride & Breadjudice: A Baker’s Romance
8. The Man Who Loved Pride and Prejudice
9. Pool-Side and Prejudice: Elizabeth’s Spring Break Romance
10. Vampire Darcy’s Desire
11. Pride and Prejudice and Cat Hair
12. The Trouble with Mr. Darcy
13. Darcy and the Chocolate Factory
14. Loving Mr. Darcy: Journeys Beyond Pemberly
15. Mr. Darcy’s Member
16. Darcy and Elizabeth: Days and Nights at Pemberly
17. FrankenDarcy
18. Gay Pride and Prejudice
19. Fried and Prejudice: Colonel Darcy
20. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Darcy
21. Pride and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts
22. A Little Bit Psychic: Pride and Prejudice with a Modern Twist
23. Mr. Darcy Mutates
24. Pride & PreJewdice: Mazeltov to Darcy!
25. The Darcy Boys: Tales of Detection and Adventure
26. In the Arms of Mr. Darcy
27. 2 Much Darcy: A Story of Darcy Clones
28. Pride and Prejustice: Mr. Darcy Takes a Bar Exam

 

 

 

Real: 1, 2, 5, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 (I KNOW!), 21, 22, 23, 26
Made-Up: 3, 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19, 20, 24, 25, 27, 28

 

*Alex helped me with this, so if you find a title particularly funny then it was probably one he came up with.