I hope that if you go to a party tonight, you get laid and don’t get in a fight. Or, if things don’t go the way you’d like, I hope you can at least shrug off your bad luck with a Lita Ford-ian “It ain’t no big thang.” Then maybe play your guitar while surrounded by blocks of ice and very small fires.
This terrified me as a child. My mom says when it came on, I would scream and run out of the room. Then I’d hide behind her bed. I’m not exactly proud of this, but I can understand it. This intro is still unsettling to me. The combination of the siren, that guy’s ruddy face, and his tortured scream before his face cracks into pieces still makes me feel like running out of the room. Only I’m in my apartment, so there’s no parents’ bed to hide behind.
I’ve never seen this show, because I could never get past the intro.
Dolly Parton certainly has a type. “High heeled boots and painted on jeans,” Dolly? That’s a cowgirl’s dream? Apparently we look for different things in a man.
I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve been listening pretty intently to Thank Me Later, and judging by your lyrics, I think we’d be good together.
I have a couple of diplomas, which I know you’re into. I’m not a homeowner, but honestly, in this economy home ownership is not the symbol of success it once was, so I feel like we can work past that together. I have enough money to loan you “a little something extra,” as long as we’re referring to a little something extra. I mean, I can spot you once in awhile, but let’s not get too crazy.
It was nice of you to say “this is not to get confused, this one’s for you” at the beginning of “Best I Ever Had.” Sure, I suspected, but it was good to know for sure. I find it sweet that you think I look best in “sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on.” How could I take that wrong? I feel the need to correct you, though: these are yoga pants. I don’t wear sweat pants, Drake. You know this.
While other women might be concerned about your feelings for Nicki Minaj (“I love Nicki Minaj, I told her, I’d admit it/ I hope one day we get married, just to say we f***ing did it”), I understand. She is pretty magnificent, so I can’t blame you. It’s not like I’m going to stand in the way, because I want what’s best for you, Drake! And you look pretty happy here.
Drake, I know you’ve had some wild times. I get that. You’ve come a long way from wheelchair-bound basketball sensation Jimmy on Degrassi: The Next Generation. What makes me think you’re ready to settle down (with me) is this quote from the New York Times about your relationship with Rhianna:
“You know what she was doing to me? She was doing exactly what I’ve done to so many women throughout my life, which is show them quality time, then disappear. I was like, wow, this feels terrible.”
That was your Tootsie moment. You were Dustin Hoffman/Tootsie, and Rhianna was your sexist boss, and your love interest Jessica Lange, and also your Tootsie costume. I don’t know, the metaphor’s not the greatest, but the point is this: I feel like you’ve realized how to treat a lady.
You want to know how I really know we belong together? This picture:
I’m always here when you need me, Drake.
The Exciters emphatically sing relationship advice at a variety of zoo animals in one of the weirdest performances I’ve ever seen.
I think the bear is the only one who’s actually listening.