February 14th really snuck up on Lenny Kravitz. It felt like just yesterday that he’d given elaborate gifts to anywhere from 13 to 17 of his most special ladyfriends. In fact, it had been just yesterday, because Lenny Kravitz had previously assumed that Valentine’s Day was on February 13th (Lenny Kravitz was not bound to traditional rules of space, time, holidays, or anything else, for that matter).
Regardless, now it was actually Valentine’s Day, and Lenny Kravitz felt like he should do a little something special for the person he loved most: Lenny Kravitz.
Lenny Kravitz rolled out of bed and sashayed across the room. “Why walk when you can sashay?” was Lenny Kravitz’s motto. Another was, “Walking is for people who aren’t Lenny Kravitz.” Another was, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Lenny Kravitz was nothing if not thrifty.
Lenny Kravitz picked up the tunic he’d picked out last night and carefully laid over the back of a chair. Back when he was working on his album Black and White America, he decided to keep a time log to increase productivity. Lenny Kravitz figured out that he spent anywhere from 85-95% of his time picking out tunics. Now he picked one out the night before and stuck with his decision. He finally had enough free time to start up that scrapbook he’d been meaning to get to for years. He had so many pictures of Mariah Carey he needed to do something with.
The tunic he’d picked out for today was white with gold embroidery. Elegant, yet modern. That was how Lenny Kravitz always described his style. Actually, when he met with his interior decorator the day before, he’d described his style as “basically just a pair of aviator sunglasses all the time”, but she’d known what he meant. Elegant yet modern.
And yet, Lenny Kravitz couldn’t help but think he had a tunic more appropriate for Valentine’s Day somewhere in his closet. Something more…romantic. He knew it was a self-imposed rule not to go back to the tunic closet after selecting a tunic, but no one was the boss of Lenny Kravtiz. Not even Lenny Kravitz.
Lenny Kravitz stepped into the tunic closet and he felt that old familiar feeling. That tunic feeling. He knew what this was–it was love. It was deeper than anything he’d felt for any human being. Deeper than his feelings for Lisa Bonet. Deeper than his feelings for Nicole Kidman. Deeper, even, than his feelings for Stanley Tucci, whom he’d really started to grow close to while the both of them were filming The Hunger Games. And definitely deeper than his feelings for Woody Harrelson, who was such a bro. Lenny Kravitz hated Woody Harrelson.
Lenny Kravitz trailed his fingers along the tunics. They were beautiful, weren’t they? Each of them different, yet all of them came together to form something cohesive: the best tunic collection in the continental United States. Some asshole in Hawaii had a slightly more extensive one, but Lenny Kravitz planned to overtake him. Soon enough.
Lenny Kravitz buried his face in the tunics. They smelled like patchouli, which wasn’t a surprise. Literally everything in his life smelled like patchouli. This was exactly how he wanted to spend Valentine’s Day, he decided. Surrounded by his very favorite things.
Lenny Kravtiz lay down on the floor of the tunic closet. “Being vegan doesn’t mean you’re better than me, Woody Harrelson,” he whispered before falling into the dreamless sleep of a large, multiple nose ring wearing baby.