Posts Tagged: lenny kravitz tunic

Lenny Kravitz Celebrates Valentine’s Day

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February 14th really snuck up on Lenny Kravitz. It felt like just yesterday that he’d given elaborate gifts to anywhere from 13 to 17 of his most special ladyfriends. In fact, it had been just yesterday, because Lenny Kravitz had previously assumed that Valentine’s Day was on February 13th (Lenny Kravitz was not bound to traditional rules of space, time, holidays, or anything else, for that matter).

Regardless, now it was actually Valentine’s Day, and Lenny Kravitz felt like he should do a little something special for the person he loved most: Lenny Kravitz.

Lenny Kravitz rolled out of bed and sashayed across the room. “Why walk when you can sashay?” was Lenny Kravitz’s motto. Another was, “Walking is for people who aren’t Lenny Kravitz.” Another was, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Lenny Kravitz was nothing if not thrifty.

Lenny Kravitz picked up the tunic he’d picked out last night and carefully laid over the back of a chair. Back when he was working on his album Black and White America, he decided to keep a time log to increase productivity. Lenny Kravitz figured out that he spent anywhere from 85-95% of his time picking out tunics. Now he picked one out the night before and stuck with his decision. He finally had enough free time to start up that scrapbook he’d been meaning to get to for years. He had so many pictures of Mariah Carey he needed to do something with.

The tunic he’d picked out for today was white with gold embroidery. Elegant, yet modern. That was how Lenny Kravitz always described his style. Actually, when he met with his interior decorator the day before, he’d described his style as “basically just a pair of aviator sunglasses all the time”, but she’d known what he meant. Elegant yet modern.

And yet, Lenny Kravitz couldn’t help but think he had a tunic more appropriate for Valentine’s Day somewhere in his closet. Something more…romantic. He knew it was a self-imposed rule not to go back to the tunic closet after selecting a tunic, but no one was the boss of Lenny Kravtiz. Not even Lenny Kravitz.

Lenny Kravitz stepped into the tunic closet and he felt that old familiar feeling. That tunic feeling. He knew what this was–it was love. It was deeper than anything he’d felt for any human being. Deeper than his feelings for Lisa Bonet. Deeper than his feelings for Nicole Kidman. Deeper, even, than his feelings for Stanley Tucci, whom he’d really started to grow close to while the both of them were filming The Hunger Games. And definitely deeper than his feelings for Woody Harrelson, who was such a bro. Lenny Kravitz hated Woody Harrelson.

Lenny Kravitz trailed his fingers along the tunics. They were beautiful, weren’t they? Each of them different, yet all of them came together to form something cohesive: the best tunic collection in the continental United States. Some asshole in Hawaii had a slightly more extensive one, but Lenny Kravitz planned to overtake him. Soon enough.

Lenny Kravitz buried his face in the tunics. They smelled like patchouli, which wasn’t a surprise. Literally everything in his life smelled like patchouli. This was exactly how he wanted to spend Valentine’s Day, he decided. Surrounded by his very favorite things.

Lenny Kravtiz lay down on the floor of the tunic closet. “Being vegan doesn’t mean you’re better than me, Woody Harrelson,” he whispered before falling into the dreamless sleep of a large, multiple nose ring wearing baby.

Instead of Working on Things Actually Have a Deadline, I Wrote This Story About Lenny Kravitz


“Damn it,” said Lenny Kravitz. He’d spilled coconut milk on himself. Again.

That was what he got for eating cereal in bed. He knew it always led to disaster, but what could he do? It was a routine comfort. It reminded him of being a young Lenny Kravitz, sitting in a much smaller bed wearing a much smaller tunic and eating cereal with real milk. Lenny Kravitz was lactose intolerant now and had to drink coconut milk. He knew there were other milk alternatives, but he didn’t trust the phytoestrogens in soy milk and he didn’t like the taste of almond milk. He’d just seen that Almond Breeze was coming out with a almond/coconut milk blend. This intrigued Lenny Kravitz. He planned to try it.

Lenny Kravitz padded barefoot into the kitchen to find a paper towel. Carefully, he dabbed at his terry cloth sleep tunic. Terry cloth was a comfortable fabric, but goddamn if it didn’t absorb coconut milk. He’d learned this lesson many a time.

Lenny Kravitz sighed and thought about what was on his agenda for the day. Dr. Oz, sure, but that didn’t come on until 3. He thought about getting a 4th nose piercing put in, but decided against it. Lenny Kravitz walked back to the bedroom and stepped inside his walk-in tunic closet; he’d let the tunic decide the mood of the day.

Paisley. Chambray. Glitter. Name a tunic, Lenny Kravitz had it. He’d been collecting tunics for his entire lifetime, and it showed.

He ran his hand over them, and the hangers swayed back and forth. He seized upon a white linen tunic. Perfect for the warm weather. He pulled off the damp terrycloth tunic and slid into the linen tunic. Lenny Kravitz stared at himself in his full length mirror.

“Lenny Kravitz is ready for summer,” he whispered out loud to no one. He stared at himself and admired how the tunic looked over his impressively toned body. Lenny Kravitz didn’t work out. He’d just popped out of the womb looking like this.

After awhile, Lenny Kravitz emerged from the closet. It was dark. He glanced at the clock; 10 p.m. He’d stared at himself in a white linen tunic all day.

Lenny Kravitz crawled into bed, put on a sleep mask, and fell asleep immediately. He’d start all over again tomorrow. Maybe he’d get that 4th nose piercing after all.