Posts Tagged: relationships

Lady Tip #17: NEVER Get Involved in Someone Else’s Dating Life

steve-harvey-act-like-a-lady-think-like-a-man
When I was in junior high and high school, I didn’t have boyfriends. Like at all. Ever. My friends, however, were absolutely gorgeous girls who always had boyfriends. As is the way with these things, I was the one they called when they had problems. Never mind the logic involved with asking the one girl who’s never had a boyfriend to dish out advice about love. I actually did give some great advice, in my not-so-humble opinion. I like to think this is because I’m innately wise, but I’m pretty sure it’s just because I’d watched a lot of TV, read a lot of books, and skimmed a lot of advice columns, which all prepared me to deal with just about any sort of love trauma. I’d dash off a few quick lines of counsel via AIM (this was the early 2000s) or email and my friends would type back, “You’re so good at giving advice!” before going off on their Saturday night dates and leaving me home alone with my constant dates, Louder Than Bombs and my journal.

Even now that I’m an adult with my very own love life, people still come to me with their problems a lot. And you know what? I love it. I’m relatively sure it isn’t my sublime wisdom that keeps people talking to me–instead, it’s my genuine interest and concern about their problems. I can’t help but love drama–it’s the writer in me. So, naturally, when a friend asks for my advice in matters of the heart, I’m all too happy to give it. However, I’m here to tell you just how easily that can blow up in your face.

On multiple occasions, I’ve been approached by both halves of a couple or would-be couple and asked for advice. For a amateur therapist and egomaniac like myself, this is some sweet, sweet nectar. How flattering! I’m so trusted! you’ll think to yourself. And then you’ll kind of feel like God. You know everything about how two people feel about each other, but they don’t know! It’s like watching a romantic comedy that only you know about.

Well, hold your metaphorical horses, missy, because the heart bomb’s a-tickin’. Sure, everything seems great now, but when this coupling doesn’t work out (as it inevitably won’t, because if these people were truly right for each other they probably wouldn’t need your advice), you’ll be left feeling guilty, stupid, or both.

Once in high school, two friends of mine liked each other and came to me for advice. “Go for it! You’re perfect for each other!” I gleefully advised. Well, turns out they weren’t, and when they broke up, they both ended up hating me (one for a brief period, the other for a significantly longer period). One of them accused me of hacking into their emails, which is laughable for a lot of reasons, mainly that I can’t even figure out how to download albums, let alone hack into an email account.

You’d think I would learn, but I rarely learn from my own mistakes.

A couple of years ago, one of my best friends (let’s call her Rachel) realized that one of her friends (let’s call him Ross) had a thing for her. She talked to me about it and I was all set to live vicariously through her. Then I got an e-mail from Ross. Ross and I weren’t friends, per se, but we were friendly. He poured his heart out to me via Gmail, and it was like the arc of a sitcom. In my expert opinion, they were perfect for each other! I mean, yeah, sure he had a girlfriend, but big deal. This was going to work out and never have any problems, ever!

Okay, back up. Here’s where I should have pumped those breaks. It is super, super inappropriate to give romantic advice to anyone, let alone both halves of a couple.

To my credit, I steered clear of flat out telling Ross what to do. But I did tell him that he should do his girlfriend a favor and break up with her, because yikes.

Anyway, you can probably guess what happened next. Yep. His girlfriend read his email because this was, obviously, a relationship with some trust issues. And his girlfriend read all those things I said about how he should really set her free instead of emotionally cheating on her.

And this coupling did not end up working out. It was for the best. Rachel’s now engaged to a great dude, and Ross is still with that girl. You know, the one I’ve never met who probably hates me. So that’s a thing I have to feel guilty about for basically forever.

Now, when people tell me about their romantic dramas, I generally just listen and share my own experiences. And if both halves of a would-be couple ever try to talk to me again, I’m going to politely but firmly remove myself from the situation, because damn girl! Inappropriate! Sure, I love love and hearing about people falling in love and getting those heart flutterings vicariously, but it really shouldn’t go any further than listening.

And just in general, “You should probably talk to him about this,” is always good and neutral advice to give a lady friend in any relationship situation.

Playing matchmaker almost literally never works out, so just save everyone around you some heartbreak and keep your opinions to yourself. And even if it’s just one of your girlfriends asking for advice, tread carefully. You never know when she’s going to get in another argument with her dude and mention that YOU told her he’s being a total dick. That doesn’t tend to go over well. I’ve had friends’ boyfriends hate me just because they thought I was giving their girlfriends advice.

What about you guys? Have you ever been involved in a situation like this? How did you handle it? And, most importantly, did anyone ever accuse you of hacking into their email account? Let me know in the comments!

*Picture of Steve Harvey because he’s someone who can get involved in other people’s dating lives and make bank. We are not Steve Harvey, so we shouldn’t try to be Steve Harvey. We ESPECIALLY shouldn’t try to wear Steve Harvey’s suits.

The Quickest Way to Piss People Off Is to Not Get Married


In December, H. and I will have been together 7 years. And we are not married, a fact that every person I know reminds me of constantly.

I’m not saying we’re never going to get married. In fact, it will probably happen sooner rather than later. But people asking me when I’m going to get married bothers me, and it isn’t because I have problems with the institution of marriage itself (although that can be pretty problematic!) or the state of my relationship with my boyfriend (which is pretty swell!). Instead, my problem with people asking “When are you getting married?” is best summed up in two questions: “How is this your business?” and “Why do I have to get married?”

Growing up, I never dreamed of getting married. I assumed I would, because I grew up in a culture with a pretty traditional view of families, but it wasn’t something I daydreamed about. I never dressed up as a bride for Halloween. I didn’t “play house” much with other kids–mostly because because I rarely played with other children and preferred to hang out by myself, reading. Instead, I daydreamed about writing my first book (dorky but true).

Then, in high school, I became convinced I’d never get married. I simply could not imagine myself being happy as a married person. Let’s be real—I didn’t have any boyfriends (not even weird ones!) in high school, so it’s not like people were lining up to propose. But when I saw girls I knew getting married, like, right out of high school, I knew I would never do that. I saw myself as an adult living alone, being vaguely “artisitic,” probably wearing several jewel-toned scarves. I saw myself with a cat I named after a feminist writer, knowing things about wine, and entertaining many, many temperamental and volatile men who would inspire me to write the tempestuous prose and poetry I’d become known for. I saw myself being weird and alone and happy.

And then I met H. when I was 19, and we’ve been together ever since. You’d think this might be cause for celebration, and it is for me! But it’s not for almost literally every person I know, including but not limited to family, friends, and complete strangers.

I get asked what I’m waiting for, why I’m not married, why H. hasn’t proposed, why I haven’t forced him to propose, when I’m going to “just do it already,” and various other things. All of these questions are based around a few assumptions:

1. I have to get married.
2. I want to get married but H. will not ask me.
3. It’s normal for one person to force the other person to marry them.
4. Marriage is a box you need to check off your list.
5. If I’m not married it means I’m afraid of something.
6. I sit around all day and wait for H. to propose to me.
7. I am sad and pathetic.

Naturally, quite a few of these assumptions offend me, as a feminist and as a human being. For one, most of them put me in a passive role. Just sittin’ around waitin’ for the proposin’ to happen! Secondly, they assume that I need to complete this task in order to graduate to the next phase of my life. Simply put, this is people foisting their life values onto me, and I don’t appreciate it. A traditional life trajectory (marriage, house, babies) means a lot to some people, but it means very, very little to me. Do I want to have a house someday? Totally, but not anytime soon. Do I want kids? Yes, my biological clock reminds me of this every damn day, but not anytime even remotely soon. And do I want to get married? Sure, but it is not the end all, be all of my existence. There are a lot of things I want out of my life, and marriage is just one of the things on a long list that includes publishing a book, visiting a Scandinavian country, and finally successfully baking bread. And that’s where the assumption that offends me the most comes in. When people ask me these questions, what I hear from them is: Your achievements don’t matter to me. Your job, your friendships, your writing, your hopes, your dreams, your life that you’ve built yourself mean nothing, because you haven’t convinced someone to buy you jewelry and then spend many thousands of dollars on an expensive ceremony.

And as much as I’d like to be a super cool lady who can shrug off the narrow-mindedness of others, I’m just not that self-assured. It does not make me feel good when, unsolicited and on a regular basis, people let me know that my life is not measuring up to a standard I don’t even subscribe to. It’s weird, it’s patriarchal, it’s sexist, it’s dumb, and it’s just plain mean.

And you know what else it is? Really, really rude. In general, I think two questions should always be off limits except between very good friends: “When are you getting married?” and “When are you two having kids?” Both of those questions have the potential to be extremely upsetting! I mean, you guys, you don’t know if the couple you’re talking to had a fight that very morning about getting married. You don’t know if the couple you’re talking to recently found out they can’t have kids. You don’t know if they recently had a miscarriage—I mean, 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, you know? These are just rude, invasive, and nosy questions we should all stop asking.

Luckily for me, my close friends totally understand all of this. They’re a mix of married, single, engaged, and divorced people (divorced people are especially cool about not pressuring others to get married) who don’t see marriage as a just another box to check off on the list of life goals. That’s because my friends are awesome.

But, unfortunately, not everyone’s as cool, so I’ll just have to keep answering “So when are you getting married?” with a mixture of flip responses (“Whenever Drake asks me!”), frustrated answers (“When I feel like it.”), vague pleasantries (“Hahaha, someday!”), and subject changes (“Tell me more about your kids!”). It turns out that lecturing people about how their question offends me is not the best tactic to take when I’m talking to someone I’m probably going to have to see on a regular basis (like my grandma).

I love love. I love romance. I love romantic comedies, even (especially) the ones starring Katherine Heigl. I love reading the 50th anniversary announcements in the newspaper. I love seeing my friends get married! And, when I get married (someday!), you’d better believe I’m going to cry uncontrollably. But there’s a lot more to my life than that. I guess the good thing is that eventually, once I do get married, people will stop asking me about this. Then they’ll move on to asking me when I’m having kids. Something to look forward to!

This Movie Is The Best Movie: While You Were Sleeping


It’s hard to say what makes the difference between a good romantic comedy and a bad one. The believability of the situation has little to do with it; I love a ridiculous high-concept, and While You Were Sleeping definitely has one. It doesn’t really take creativity–after all, a rom-com always has to be kind of the same story. I think the two things that are most necessary are a) chemistry between the two leads and b) a lead character who wants something besides love. I do not want to watch a character desperately fling her/himself at potential romantic victims for an hour and a half. That’s what my Facebook newsfeed is for. What I need from a romantic comedy is a yearning for something; a family, a baby, a job, a passion, something. While You Were Sleeping definitely has that.

It has a lot more, too. Like Bill Pullman. Let’s get to it!


Anyone who’s ever taken a creative writing course knows that adage, “Show, Don’t Tell.” Well, this movie shows us, repeatedly, just how lonely Sandra Bullock is. She lives alone. She’s working on Christmas in the token booth for the Chicago train station. She has a cat. She talks to her cat. No friends are ever mentioned. Oh, and both of her parents are dead. Such a lonely girl, our Sandy. The one ray of hairy sunshine in her life is Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows.

She sees him everyday as he goes to work, but they never talk. UNTIL! Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows get pushed onto the tracks by some hoodlums who then run away and are never heard from again. Sandra Bullock immediately springs into action and jumps onto the track.

All the while, a train is speeding towards them while deceptively lighthearted music plays and Sandra Bullock says things like, “Please wake up! There’s a train coming toward us! It’s going very fast!” Like, duh, Sandra Bullock, and also move. Finally she rolls both herself and Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows to safety, and that’s where her trouble actually begins.

She goes to visit Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows in the hospital, and through a mix up that could be easily avoided, people start thinking she’s the fiancee. Although she could correct them at any time, she doesn’t, because the 1st rule of Romantic Comedy Club is Never Tell The Truth (Even When It Would Be Very Simple). She ingratiates herself with his family, and no one suspects a thing. Until Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows’ brother Bill Pullman bursts onto the scene, lookin’ like a million bucks in his reversible denim/khaki jacket and his all flannel, all the time shirt collection.

He wears the most unflattering jeans. That jacket is silly (just buy two jackets, Bill. Seriously). He’s old enough to be, if not my dad, at least significantly older than me. And yet I really do not think I’ve ever seen a more attractive romantic lead, ever. Do you need another picture?

Anyway, Bill Pullman and The Jacket are the only ones who suspect something might be up. This is Bill Pullman’s suspicious face:

But you know it’s only a matter of time before he falls in love with Sandra Bullock. Who wouldn’t? America’s Sweetheart, that one. And of course Sandra Bullock falls in love with him. He wants to start a chair making business (OF COURSE HE DOES), he’s wearing the hell out of those jeans, and he growls, like, 95% of his lines. They fall over in the snow!

And then they have what is my FAVORITE romantic comedy moment. It’s the thing where two characters are joking around but then ALL OF A SUDDEN they end up with their faces just an inch apart! And then some drunk guy or inappropriate old man or precocious child says something and they break apart, but it’s too late. They already Had A Moment.

It’s called tension, you guys.
But of course their love can never be, because Sandra Bullock is fake engaged to Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows. In itself that doesn’t make much sense, but it all comes back to Sandra’s desire. That is, her desire for a family. Because Bill Pullman/Petey’s family has already become her family, and she doesn’t want to give that up, even if it means fraudulently marrying some dude who was just in a coma.
Some other stuff happens and blah, blah, blah. The point is things work out with a ring being tossed into a toll booth and oh my God I think I just had a heart attack. Why are we not still talking about how attractive Bill Pullman was? I can’t be the only one who thinks so, right? I get it, Lost Highway was the creepiest movie any of us have ever seen, but damn if he didn’t pay a mean jazz sax.

Yes, Bill Pullman, I WILL marry you.

And I’d say the same about you, Bill.
You can watch the whole thing on Youtube.
It’s a romantic comedy where no one poops on anything or has sex with an animal. Simpler times. Just a guy in a coma and a girl pretending to be his fiancee.

Previously:This Movie Is The Best Movie: Valley Girl

This Week on HelloGiggles

This week, I wrote about a book that was honestly just flawless. Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler (art by Maira Kalman) was honest and funny about my favorite subject: love. Things got REAL EMOTIONAL.

Why We Broke Up reminded me a lot of my silly first “relationship.” Sometime I’ll write The Story of My First Boyfriend for you guys…let me tell you right now, it is a story full of danger, renaissance fairs, and eating at a lot of chain restaurants. It was honestly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done in my life, but it was also one of the most fun things, too. And kind of a hilarious story.

A Great Way To Spend Some Time

For some reason, I’m kind of obsessed with Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s relationship. They’re like my Jay-Z and Beyonce. Did you guys know they met in high school? And they’re still together? And he puts her in his videos/on the covers of his albums? I’m pretty sure Paula Patton might be in the running for title of Most Beautiful Woman in The World because, seriously, have you looked at her lately? I know I’m asking you a lot of questions. Sorry. So anyway, she’s insanely beautiful, and I think Robin Thicke is attractive but I’m not totally sure because every time I look at him I just see his dad.

If you’d like to look at a photogallery of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, here you go, feel free to die of adorableness. Also, here’s his video for Love After War, in which Paula Patton refuses to ever wear pants and I start to feel uncomfortable because this is basically softcore porn.